Never enough hours.

I'm so fucking stressed out right now.
I don't understand how to balance work and school.
I feel like I'm constantly around other people, who're fighting for my attention.
For the past week, the only thing I've enjoyed thinking about is running away.
I don't want to see or listen to anyone for at least two weeks.
It's times like these, I miss flying and hanging out with people who don't have anything to with my life.
Ugh.

Don't want anything but solo.

Most days, listening to Bon Iver makes me feel better.
Not today.

You shall not speak to Gandalf the Grey that way.

The woman who lives downstairs is a bitch.
All she does is scream at her partner (who is AWESOME), yell at the maid working for the dudes upstairs, and talk down to her cat named Boris. I would say that maybe she has valid reasoning for being mean to everyone, though, I've met her. She is awful. She wears this scowly "I'm better than you" face, constantly.
I will eventually tell her that she is in fact, incorrect. Tyler, Vince, and I are rad. Her partner, adorably named Sebastian, is awesome. The maid who works upstairs is cute and totally necessary considering those guys work in the film industry and are never around. This brings me to Boris (the cat, not the spider*)
Boris comes inside our place all the time to hang out and paw at us. I've given him his own name (Gandalf the Grey) for his time with us. He's adorable and so friendly and his meow sounds like "Anne" from Little Britain.
Anyway, she just arrived home to talk down to the poor little beast and he took off in the other direction.
Well played, sir.



*Boris the Spider is a trippy ass song by The Who from the album, A Quick One.
You should listen to it on acid, it'll blow your mind mannnnnn.

Who knows?

Vancouver feels better than it ever has. It’s amazing what being busy and focused can do for one. I guess it’s been years since I’ve had anything to focus on. I now remember how it feels and I love it. With that being said, I’m not super into living in Vancouver. There are things about it that are amazing and would probably trump most other cities, I’d consider living in. I’m not going to get into details because it seems tedious.

My birthday just happened. It was wonderful. I would like to point out that I rarely use the word “wonderful”. I save it for moments that feel like a perfect sense of home – you know, like how you felt on Christmas Eve as a child, sitting around with your family, and waiting for something big. It’s funny because every time I’ve ever complained to my parents about planning or not planning birthday parties, they’ve always told me that as you get older, your birthdays become less significant. Like any child (regardless of age), I hate to admit they were right. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying this with my usual angst-like approach. This is the first birthday I wasn’t panicking about plans or who I was or wasn’t going to be spending it with. I’m not sure if it’s because the birthday happened in the midst of the biggest wave of clarity I’ve probably ever had; regardless, it was perfect.
I was spoiled- with love. I really can’t describe how engorged with love my heart feels right now. I have the most supportive and selfless parents in the world and my partner blows my mind on a daily basis (usually with hilarity and hotness but also with support and selflessness).
Family and ginger demons aside, I got to see my best girl two days before my birthday, spend Saturday night with my life twin, and met a rooster whom I’ve named Roger Sterling. He’s just as handsome as the “real” Roger.

I’ve been missing my niece and nephews a lot. Suddenly, watching them grow up from a far and seems less desirable. I had definitely noticed this while visiting Calgary but last week, Carmen called me on Skype. Kaleb was running around in the background and stopped to say hi to “auntie Jaimie”. As this was happening I remembered what it felt like to be a kid and to call my parents best friends “auntie and uncle”, not knowing them. It made me realize that even though I might not want my own kids, being away from my sister’s and best friends kids, sucks. I love those little beasts. I’m sure I’ll get over it. Or maybe I won’t.

I’m excited for this year but I’m also really looking forward to being able to travel again.. This time with a way sweeter travel companion.
I’ve also decided that I will continue school when I’m finished. I’m not sure which direction I’ll head yet, though; I’m leaning toward university. I can’t stop thinking about film studies with a minor in queer studies. I’m really not sure if I’ll change my mind. It’s possible; I’m insanely fickle. However, these are things I’ve been thinking about taking for years. It would be interesting to combine them with this program. Though, I may be interested in getting my BA in technology.
I’m going to start looking into universities tonight. The rad thing is, I’d finish this program, work for a year, then continue on with school.
Who knows?

Sooooooo.........

I know I keep telling you this you this in my mind and refusing to say it out loud but, come visit me! Please. I just have so many things to tell you about that very few other people will appreciate. I keep putting off writing that in depth analysis because I wait for you to visit every night so you can be the first to critique it. I know how many other people are in line for visits, just set aside three minutes for me.
I miss you christmas pig.

Swedish meatballs, you old nemesis you, get in my mouth!

Last night I dreamt that Allie and I were hanging out at the store she worked at and it was her last day there. After school, I hopped on the expo line to go pick her up. The store was also an Ikea cafeteria. I decided to throw some Swedish meatballs in my mouth while I ignored the broad that interviewed me and decided not to hire me. As an aside, she made the wrong choice; I’m awesome.
As I continue to shovel the meatballs into my mouth hole (weird because I hate Swedish meatballs), Bruce Willis shows up with McLovin from Superbad. I wanted nothing to do with the nerdy kid and asked Bruce to sit down. He was taken aback by my lack of star awe. I struck up a conversation with old balls Willis which was basically me describing the affair I had with a pilot while still at WestJet. He seemed to be losing interest quite quickly when Allie slinked over. Suddenly (kapow!), there were Lucky beers in our hands and we’re looking for our keys to all shotgun them. The entire time this was happening, I was silently panicking that I wasn’t going to be able to get a picture with/or of him that he’d sign for Krystal. We continue to party with Bruce when people start flailing out of the building screaming random words like “BOMB”, “AHHHHHHHHH”, “GET TO THA CHOPPA”.
Okay, okay, no one yelled out any Arnold quotes.

Just like that, Bruce and Allie had disapparated* and I was in my tiny bachelor apartment, located on a farm. The couple in the apartment below me was in the midst of an epic “domestic”. I looked out my window to see the woman, running from the house only to be stopped with an axe thrown by her “man” which seemed to find it’s new home in the side of her skull. At this point I start an internal battle between waking up and helping her in the event that she really exists somewhere deep within my psyche. I chose the former and awoke to the pang of a sore throat and thick sense of guilt.

*Shout out to Harry Potter.

Thought flow from class.

Binary = me being more interested in gender binary.
I am so into this. Waiting for vm to finish installing.
Man, I miss Johnny. I want to talk nerdy firmware talk.
This sugar free rockstar is awesome. Having bowel issues in a classroom so different from being at work and going to the bathroom whenever I want. Ugh.
I wonder what the ginger demon is doing right now.
Seriously dude, crosschecking everything the teacher says with Wikipedia is annoying. I doubt you’re learning more by ignoring him and reading that shit instead… says the Jaime ignoring, typing away, and taking self portraits and saving them to the desktop.
Why do I need to know how to install osx? It’s already on my imac at school and will be on my lappy when I get it. Poor IT guy having to teach us common sense shit. If you don’t know how to use a computer, why are you in this program?
I want a cupcake. Man, I’m seriously gonna shit my pants.

.

Currently I am:

- Waiting for Hendriks to finish getting his hair did by Rich.
- Oh wait, that's about it.

This week has flown by. My computer crashed last Saturday so I've been at G's apartment most of the week. Mostly due to the fact that next week is my last week at Rootdown before I start school. I don't get my new macbook until next week thus, I've been job hunting at his.
I'm working all weekend which is only happening because we're participating in The Drift and will have people wandering in and out wanting to look at art and not buy anything. I have Monday off which is good because I need to go pick up my student id and course supplies including my tricked out macbook pro. Geoff starts tattooing me on Tuesday and I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to be expensive but Geoff is an amazing artist and it means I get to hangout with him for hours on end while he inflicts pain on me. You should be jealous.

Gare's surprise birthday party was awesome. We made delicious Mad Men foods and drank 2 40's worth of Old Fashioneds and Manhattans. Needless to say, we were wasted. Gare grinded on boys all night and I practically dry humped Jenna in front a everyone. I've heard we were quite entertaining. I've also been told that I had a lot of fun.

That's about it for now..... I'm really stoked to start school.

You don't want my hugs or to tell me things. Why do you hate me?

I used to complain about how people naturally flocked to me with their secrets and problems. Mostly because it seemed for quite some time that the majority of my time was spent counseling others. I was constantly struggling to find time that belonged solely to me. As of lately, I've decided I miss it. I am much better at motivating others than myself and have a whole lot of hugs to give. Maybe I just need some solid tea time with some people I love.
Right now, I really miss the Bowg. I miss her and I miss living in the Merlot room at Echo Base. It seems that I fit in there better than anywhere else thus far and I'd really like to mould my home into a similar environment.This reminds me, I should call Lissa. (ramble ramble).

I had my orientation for school today.
Good news:
They've changed the program and I now get a practicum for my final term. Thank god.
Bad news:
I am broke.
I have to quit Rootdown to find something that will work with my school sched.
My facilitator informed us "Don't fool yourselves into believing that this is an easy program due to it's short length. The computer labs are only open until 10pm and you will probably not make it through this program if you don't own a macbook pro or an imac." I can barely afford to breathe right now. How the eff am I going to purchase either of those things?

I celebrated my stress attack by making a smoothie and eating some chippies.

Oh also:

I would like to point out that I'm sad I missed Weevers' layover but I'm also stoked to have a couch (finally)!

Randomings:

-On Saturday, I saw a picture that made me panic so hard, I almost vomited up tears. Apparently, that's possible because it almost happened to me. Then I got drunk, hit on my friends, and tried to give away Gare's drunk food.

-I want Jord to move here. Finally the triad was once again complete. It was the first time in months that Vancouver felt like home.

-Hey D, I can't stop thinking about you and welling up with regret. I'm trying out Rambo's "no fear. no regrets." theory. I wish I could tell you about my in depth analysis I've come up with in which I compare Rambo to Born in the USA. You'd be about the only person to get stoked on it. Anyways, I miss you man.

-I'm obsessed with a fabulous vegan eatery. I'm going back every day until they just hire me.

-I'm really upset with someone right now for acting like an irresponsible asshole and being on the verge of hurting someone I care about. I don't want to bring it up because it's none of my business but it's fucking shitty.

-Birthday planning is awwwwwwsome.

-Speaking of birthdays, mine. Speaking of my birthday, I'm dressing up. It's going to be awesome and nerdy and awesome. Also, someone please buy me Starcraft 2 for my bday!

-Today I decided that I absolutely hate the old timey hipster fashion right now. You guys look like The Village! I hated that movie and I hate the way you look! Stop dressing like the Amish. Gross.

-Yesterday, I watched movies, ate terribly unhealthy, and got laid. All day. It was awesome.

That's all.

Last night...

You came back to me. Just like I knew I always would, I gave in to you. We had all of the things together; finally. It felt better than I ever expected it would and today, I can't let you go.

To the gentleman upstairs who likes to rave all night and play shitty online games (yes, I can hear what you're playing asshole):

You have terrible taste in music. House music is for wankers. You clearly have no idea how to balance sound as the bass is rattling the house and there's no trace of anything else happening. Maybe you would argue that the bass is on the floor so we're getting more of that than anything else down here. To that, I say, dude! I can hear every conversation you have with other zombie killers, online!
Sidenote: I seem to be the only human who believes that Left 4 Dead sucks. Maybe it's more that it bores me than anything else. I don't mind the actual gameplay and it looks sweet.
Back to my point, sir, turn down the bass. Maybe you can also try listening to something other than house. Remember that day you woke me up by blaring Rush? That was awesome and I awoke to a new crush. Now, I'm beginning to believe that one of your elusive roommates was responsible for the Rush. Maybe it was your cute maid that the girl downstairs hates. I don't hate your maid. She's adorable and I feel many sorrows for her having to clean up the (probably) 7-11 wrapper coated disaster you call a home.
Anyway, I hate to keep you from your zombie rave killings. Oh man, that actually sounds rad...

Most passive aggressively yours,

Jaime

For happier things and stuff... you want to go to here: (!)

http://captainjhax.tumblr.com/

The beginning of September seems to be delivering the first of the Winter downpours.

Downpours including but not limited to: rain and tears.
Arriving home to discover the loss of two friends feels surreal and disorienting.
I'm ready to begin school and move forward.

In other news, Calgary visits were awesome. I'm looking forward to perhaps having Christmas there.
That's about all I can manage to purge from my brain right now.

Oh, hey Calgary! Thanks for rad visits!

Why do dreams always feel like reality? Reality? Reality? (To the tune of the shitty song I'm about to mention).

I have that song "Why does love always feel like a battlefield" crammed into and stuck, in my brain. I have no idea where I heard it, if that's even the name of the song, or who it's by. It's floating around like old memories you try to ignore but end up thinking about instead of the sweet ones floating around up there. I have no idea what image I'm trying to portray.
Anyway, that song is the epitome of terrible. I realize that there's little to no music out there these days that is completely original or unique. However, blatant rip offs are bizarre to me. I'm assuming the broad who sings it, didn't write it. It sounds carefully constructed to make preppy teenage girls ponder if the bloody fields of romance are worth it, only to change their minds in an instant as their boy crush floats by on a cloud of hormones. I'm pretty sure that if I was great at writing, I would veer in the direction of writing shitty rip off pop hits to sprinkle (like science) over the masses of assholes who think my shit is original.

Oh! Speaking of rip off songs.. the only dream I remember from last night was rad.
I was working at my cafe which seemed a little different than usual. I was behind the counter of a dimly lit tavern made out of wizardwood. Yes, my cafe was sentient. Already, this dream is awesome! As I mentioned, the tavern was dimly lit. It basically looked like how you'd picture any typical pirate hangout. Years of pirate, ale, and ocean air, had walking into the tavern, take your breath away. After a few breaths, the place felt like home, or so I remember telling some folk in my dream. Phil was in town with The Dudes. They were hanging out as I had Brett make their sandwiches. However, The Dudes didn't look like The Dudes. They were KISS. So, I'm sitting there at my counter, yelling apologies across the room to KISS (who were actually The Dudes) for having my ipod stuck on their shit. I'm incredibly embarrassed for playing their music while they're hanging in the tavern. Not to mention the fact that I can't stop leering at Gene Simmons (in full Demon makeup). For some reason I wasn't able to leave my counter so I just sat there observing everyone drink ale. Everyone had pints half full in their hands swashing them back and forth as they sang along to "Your Girl". They were all completely mechanical looking drawings resembling the pirate robots in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. Their mouths were flapping along in time and their arms were only capable of the one back and forth (cheersing each other) movement. It was PoftC ride meets Ralph Bakshi and I was happily soaking it all in from my perch. As I was trying to convince myself that it was finally my chance to turn off the ride (yes at this point it had turned into the ride) and go sit on Gene Simmons tongue, I woke up. Naturally, I was pissed off that it took me an entire dream to seduce "The Demon".
This brings me to my current crush on Gene Simmons. For years, I argued that Paul Stanley was the only attractive member of KISS. However, after tuning in to Gene Simmons reality show last week, I have changed my mind. I don't find him attractive but he did this twisty thing with his tongue at the Porn awards that I can't stop thinking about.
Amen.

Frozen Coolwhip feels amazing on your cavities.

I'm addicted to frozen cool whip.

I'm not sure how I feel about role playing. I mean, we haven't really begun our campaign yet, so who knows. I had the best time doing it at the cabin but then again, I was with my favorite human so who knows if I was actually into it or just trying to get laid.

I'm pretty stoked to go to Calgary in a week and a half. I think it'll be awesome to get away and see my besties. I'm not sure if we're staying at Echo Base yet or not. I really hope we are because I can't imagine staying anywhere else. No place since living there has felt so much like home. Also, Max lives there and he's the greatest.

Speaking of besties.. seeing one yesterday got me into thinking about how much it weirds me out when people only talk about work. You'd think that if, at one point, in your relationship with someone, you had way more to talk about than them suggesting what kind of job you should be "looking" for, you'd still have way more shit to discuss. I dunno, maybe it just bores me. I'd much rather talk to someone I haven't seen in awhile about other shit. If I feel like discussing my job prospects or what have you, I'd prefer to bring it up on my own accord. Granted, none of this happened to me but I was witness to it and I'm not sure if it annoyed me because I find it annoying of if I'm just irrationally overprotective. Anyway, people speaking to you like they're your father about your financial or living situation is obnoxious. Especially when those people happen to be under 25, and have a job that incorporates their current passion in life.

I'm going to a movie tonight and I'm going to eat a lot of popcorn.

Wowch.

Can I make a late new years resolution for the second half of the year? I'm going to.
I'm ridding myself of the few toxic relationships in my life which create copious amounts of unnecessary anxiety and just generally make me feel more bad than good. I miss Adrienne. I suddenly feel like I have no one else to talk to. Vancouver feels incredibly lonely and I miss my girls.

I am actually hungry, I just can't eat.

Some days, having crohn's is how I envision being knocked up to feel like. I am starving, but halfway through my meal, nausea takes over and I can no longer eat. I am starving but midway through food preparation, nausea takes over and I can no longer eat. I am starving but the smell of anything other than clean air triggers nausea and I am no longer interested in combating my hunger.
Today was a bad day. My body didn't want to cooperate.
Hopefully tomorrow brings a friendlier stomach with it.

Complacency, the motherfucker.

Tomorrow is actually "moving day". I haven't started packing. I'm quite content reading about magic ships and avoiding all other thoughts.

As per my last post, I found some reasons this week, not to move back to Calgary:
- I have to reapply through the website for FA postings like every other civilian. The bilingual posting closed on Wednesday. They won't post for english speaking fa's until 2011.
- Sait's New Media program for Fall 2010 has 141 people on the wait list which means there's no way I'd even get in. I refuse to wait another year to go back to school.

That was about it. I mean other than the fact that I have no real interest in moving back. I think I may have been giving some damn good lip service (or maybe not so damn good). I really have no desire to ever go back. I like Vancouver. I may not love it, but, I like it a lot and am not ready to say goodbye to new friends who feel like old friends.
I wish Mandy would move here though.
It would make things seem less than perfect but more perfect than they currently seem.

That is all.

Wastin Time Wastin Tiiiiiiimmmmme (to the tune of Purple Rain).

Moving day is fast approaching and I couldn't be less interested in packing up my shit.
Krystal is coming home to hang and we'll probably end up on the couch, drinking instead of being productive. I'm pretty much fine with this and can't wait to spend all day together on Thursday. My plan is to drink a flat of Canadian then do it again on Sunday with Pabst for July 4th.

I've decided to write a critical analysis of the final scene of The Sopranos. I'm sick of trying to explain it to people and arguing with their stupid ambiguous ideas about Tony being alive and paranoid or about how the diner is purgatory.

I'm reading the best book ever entitled "Ship of Magic". It's all about liveships made out of wizardwood. The usage of wizardwood allows the liveships to become sentient. It's amazing. There's a good ship and an evil sociopath ship and all these awesome things happen!
I've also decided that Jen and Andrea have the best taste in books of all time. I will force them to recommend more gold for me to feast my eyes upon.


I'm not sure how I feel about True Blood yet this season. There are some plot lines I'm interested in. . OK, only one. I'm into the werewolves but I don't care about anything else going on. I sincerely wish Jason had shot Tara instead of her hot ass boyfriend, Eggs. I didn't know why they called him "Eggs" until the episode on Sunday. His name was Benedicto! Get it?! Like, Eggs Benedict! Awesome.

I'm hoping things with school work out because if not, it looks like moving back to Calgary to make more money and save for better schooling (at SAIT) is just around the corner. I don't want to move back to Calgary. I have a list a mile long with cons vs the pros. Okay, no, I don't. I just don't want to go back.
I emailed WestJet so we'll see what happens there. At this point I'm convinced there's no way I'm going back. This is why it's even more important that I come up with the extra $4300 to go to school in October.

Ramble Ramble Ramble .

Trippin balls mannnnnnnn.

After speaking with someone from BC student funding yesterday and having them confirm that I am receiving the full amount for student loan available to me, I panicked. I decided it was a good idea to email everyone at WJ to find out who to contact about reapplying. I quickly received some answers and immediately emailed the woman in charge of recruiting for inflight. We'll see what she has to say. I'm  hoping that I'm able to reapply but who knows. To be honest, I left on bad terms and wouldn't be surprised if they marked me down as "do not rehire". At least this way, I'll know whether or not I'm rehire-able. Keep your fingers crossed. I'm betting on me not being rehire-able. We'll see what happens..

House of Carters. A tale of three non Carters.

Ha! Tricked you. I'm total bullshit at writing so this is more of an excited rant than a tale.

After speaking with Vince today, I am unbelievably stoked to move into the House of Carters. I also enjoy that we've already discovered a name for our place. I refuse to live in a house with no name again.
I still feel apprehensive about leaving K but let's be realistic here, I'm going to be sleeping in her bed for sleepovers all the time anyway.
I'm hoping to be able to drive out to Calgary for July long weekend and get drunk with my favorites but it's doubtful that it's going to happen. I really hope it does though because I want to see Kost and Demasser before they move to Korea. womp womp.
Also, I'm planning on making heaptons of white sangria this summer considering my body's ongoing feud with red wine. I have my reservations about how it will taste because sangria is my summertime drink and I doubt it will compare to the red variety. Though I will test it out a lot and hope for the best!
I'm currently obsessed with making iced tea. It's so damn good. Also when you make green iced tea with frozen cranberries, it tastes like angels (ground into powder and stuffed into a teabag).
I wish that I could find some places in Vancouver that had awesome chicken wings. I really miss wing nights and combining those with copious amounts of beer. That being said, chicken wings only taste good in theory. I crave them, have one and freak out about the fact that I'm eating a chicken arm. Poor little guys.
I'm going to miss having Stanley Park at the end of my block because my new favorite thing is riding my bike to third beach, playing in the sand and staring out at paradise, and then riding home.
whaw whaw whaw..

I guess my House of Carters rant just turned into a random rant.
I will now list (in point form) things I'm am stoked about in regards to the move:

-having a bbq and eating shish kabobs all summer/ bbqing K steak because she loves it.
-having golf parties to go with our putting green in the back yard.
-exploring my new hood on my new red bike.
-living down the street from Andrea and Jen and force feeding them dinners.
-living in the same hood as Tina Louise.
-stumbling home from wisehall.
-getting vegan treats from Uprising!
-making emotional love to Tyler everyday.
-making movies with Vince and Tyler and trying to sell them to the dudes who live upstairs and work "in the film industry".

Yay.

Speaking of missing K.. where the hell is that little turnip? I'm logging off to call her at work. 

Student funding what exactly?

Student funding. In British Columbia, it sucks. I'm not sure why this surprises me. I found out today that my student funding assessment including living expenses comes to $12, 616.00 for the year. My living expenses are $6300. This seems a little low to me. Maybe because it's impossible to find places for less than $600/mo here in Vancouver. I get assessed for the above amount and then scroll down to find out that they'll only cover $8300. This means I am left to figure out how to pay for the other almost $5000. I'm not really sure what I should do. I vaguely feel like running away. This shitty part is I feel like there's no where left to go. I really thought schooling was going to be my best bet. If I do manage to come up with the other money, it only leaves me with $30/mo after paying rent. That would cover my phone. I mean I know I'll obviously have to find a job different from the one I'm working now (unless he turns it into a pizza joint). I just suddenly feel really worried and back at square one. I know I beat this point into the ground but, I am a fucking moron for having left WJ.
I'm not so stoked about school anymore.

In other news...

Tyler, Vince, and I found a house! It's beautiful, old, and in an amazing neighborhood close to some humans I love! Yay?
Stay tuned for pictures (and me whining about not living with my girl).

Am I too crazy to be told the truth? Hate self.

I'm wondering how I suddenly ended up in this perpetual state of crazy. I'm aware of when it began, though, I'm not sure at what point I decided to let it take over. Basically, I have a tendency to allow myself to feel "oh woe is me" about decisions I made quite some time ago. One of my favorite humans once told me "Jaime, you only seem to want what you can't have". I argued at the time that she was incorrect and also, crazy. It seems as though she wasn't wrong and is definitely not crazy. I want what I can't have every second of every day and it's fucking killing me. I think about these things more than anything else.
Oh woe is me.

Also look here for other things I think about:

http://captainjhax.tumblr.com/

Change is good right?

It only dawned on me a week ago that I am moving out and K is escaping back to Brooklyn, forever. Suddenly, I feel overwhelmed by loneliness and an impending sense of emotional doom. Not that I tend to keep all my happiness in one basket but, I'm not sure I realized (until moving here), that, bitch owns the basket.

I am nervous, sad, and vaguely skeptical that moving to yvr was a smart decision.

"I've decided what to do with my life. I wanna be a cleaner."